Trials of Faith

Nearly into the second month of the new year now, I'm finally getting around to catching up and reflecting on several things in my life. I'm not going to recap every month of 2009. It was a great year but it was also the worst year of my life. One would find very little in the way of distress in this online journal of mine though. There are just some stories that simply can't be put out to the general populous but I'm so grateful for my fantastic network of friends and family. Some of them (most of them) will never know just what a blessing they are in my life. Some are completely unaware that they've even helped me through the down times and most don't even know that there were down times.

Today, I'm just going to put it out here. During the summer months of 2009, when everything was seemingly at its greatest, disaster struck here on the homefront; a single event that sent my mind, body and soul into a storm system that I thought I'd never be able to survive. I completely lost myself and lost sight of Who I Am. I lost faith in a lot of things and I lost faith in God. Did y'all hear that? Because I surely did say it!

I battled daily within myself, searching the universe over for answers and reason and whys with regard to this matter that I just simply couldn't fathom. I went head-to-head with Satan himself and believe me when I tell y'all that Satan had his hand all up in my soul, manipulating every turn I took and every corner I turned, stirring confusion that sent me on a journey in search of what was real and what wasn't. These were defining moments in my life. I struggled by the hour on a daily basis literally begging God to let me once again FEEL his presence in my life as I had felt for so many countless years - - - Nothing.

If ever there had been a time in my life that I doubted God's existence, it was minuscule compared to what I was feeling now. This battle within me raged and as much as Satan tried - - he knew he'd never win (though I wasn't so sure), but I'll give the devil his due - - he certainly put up a good fight.

Let me take you back to yesteryear for a moment ...

It was in the wee hours of the morning on May 28, 2000, that it happened. I stood face-to-face with two of the most magnificent creatures imaginable, an experience I just simply could never put into words. There in the corner of my bedroom stood two angels holding my little angel (my precious, beautiful little boy that I never got to hold) that God decided needed to be back on Heaven's Playground. It was an out-of-body experience; the first I'd ever had and, in all honesty, an experience I don't believe I'd want to feel again but I am so grateful to have been blessed with the opportunity to see that little boy before/as his life passed from my body.

Some would consider me delusional at this point but the truth of the matter is ... I. Simply. Don't. Care.

Okay - y'all can come back to your own version of reality now ...

Knowing that God is very real and wanting my own daughter to be able to experience and feel God in her life just as I have and knowing that she was steadily on her own journey to find Jesus, I continued to lift Him up in her eyes, I continued to go to church and I continued to pray - - - Nothing.

It was on an afternoon somewhere between Thanksgiving and Christmas that I went into a very severe bout of anxiety that found me screaming to the top of my lungs and spewing hate that could have flooded the world. During this particular battle, as JD sat patiently soaking it all in, I said it.

"I've Lost Faith In God and I'm not even sure
anymore that He's even there!"
It was in that very moment that something blew by me so fiercely, it nearly knocked me to the ground. I just smiled. Relief came over my soul. For you see, my friends, it was in that moment that, once again, I Felt God.

I suppose it took me saying it out loud and admitting the charge of this raging battle to send Satan running - and run he did. Haven't heard much or seen much of him lately. Sadly though, healing of the mind and soul doesn't happen in an instant so I find myself still facing the reality of it all and challenged from time to time.

I no longer believe, as I've been told so many times in the past, that God never puts more on a person than he/she can handle but rather ...

God will never take us where His grace will not protect us. I don't believe the rains that started this storm were the will of God but I know He's been with me through the raging battle and been my constant shelter even when I felt stranded and abandoned in a rising flood.

The 'Hour of Hope' that became 2010 found me in tears but they were ones of hope and of new beginnings.

This is USS Retired signing off ...